Trump Explores Radical Plan to “Liberate” California with Nukes
By I.M. Joking, Political Satire Correspondent
Washington D.C. — In a surprising turn of events that only the Trump administration could dream up, President Donald Trump has reportedly been mulling over a novel approach to deal with what he calls the “blue state problem.” According to sources close to the Oval Office (namely, interns and a couple of confused pigeons), Trump has been seriously considering using nuclear warheads to crack open the San Andreas Fault, with the aim of floating California out into the Pacific Ocean, thereby creating a new U.S. territory.
“Imagine this, folks,” Trump was overheard saying during a heated discussion in the Situation Room, “we drop a couple of nukes, just a couple, mind you, and we solve two problems at once. One, we get rid of all that Hollywood nonsense, and two, we create the world’s largest floating real estate project. It’s like making America great again, but with more… splash.”
The plan, dubbed “Operation Float-ifornia,” would involve deploying nuclear devices along the fault line, causing a geological shift so massive that California would theoretically detach from the mainland. The idea, which has tickled Trump’s fancy since he first pondered it while watching a particularly dramatic episode of “The Fault in Our Stars,” has been met with varied reactions.
Environmentalists, seismologists, and just about every scientist with a degree in anything remotely related to earth sciences have expressed, shall we say, skepticism. Dr. Quake N. Shaker from the Institute of Not Blowing Up the Planet commented, “It’s scientifically dubious at best and apocalyptic at worst. Also, I’m pretty sure it’s illegal under several international treaties.”
Meanwhile, the economic implications have left Wall Street in a speculative frenzy. “Think of the real estate market!” exclaimed a broker, who prefers to remain anonymous because he’s not entirely sure if discussing this is legal or sane. “Waterfront properties would become a whole new concept. Imagine a houseboat the size of Los Angeles!”
On the political front, reactions have been predictably divided. Some conservative lawmakers have praised the plan for its boldness, suggesting it could be a new form of voter suppression, while liberal politicians have accused Trump of wanting to literally “sink” Democratic strongholds.
Legal experts, however, are unanimous in their assessment: “Even if this were possible, which it isn’t, it’s not just a breach of domestic law; it’s a violation of the entire concept of international peace and cooperation.”
When asked about the human cost of such an operation, Trump reportedly shrugged and said, “They’ll just swim back. Or we’ll build them a bridge. A very beautiful bridge, the best bridge, believe me.”
As of now, “Operation Float-ifornia” remains in the “very early conceptual stage,” which in Trump-speak often means it’s a fleeting thought between golf rounds. But given the administration’s track record, one can never be too sure whether this is just another one of Trump’s legendary brainstorms or the next big thing in U.S. foreign and domestic policy.
Stay tuned as we continue to monitor this explosive situation. Literally.