Democrat Senators and Congressmen Cry Over Spilled USAID Gravy

Democratic members of Congress blocked from entering USAID

By Penny Pincher, Political Satire Correspondent

Washington D.C. ā€” In a devastating blow to what we’ll affectionately call the “Aid-ocrats,” a recent shake-up at the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID) has left a trail of Democratic senators and congressmen wringing their hands over their now-defunct “gravy train.”

For years, these lawmakers have been living the high life, thanks to the generous flow of USAID funds. But oh, how the mighty have fallen! Here’s a rundown of some of the most “affected” politicians:

Senator Chris Van Hollen (D-MD) – Known for his love of international aid, Van Hollen was reportedly seen at a local deli, trying to pass off his old campaign signs as “antique art” to pay for his usual lunch of caviar and champagne. Sources close to the senator claim he’s now considering starting a GoFundMe for “Save the Gravy.”

Representative Jamie Raskin (D-MD) – Raskin, once a proud benefactor of USAID’s largesse, has been spotted in Capitol Hill’s thrift stores, looking for a new suit. His staff whispered that he’s been practicing his “please fund me” speeches in the mirror, in hopes of finding a new sugar daddy for his humanitarian projects.

Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (D-MN) – The congresswoman, known for her international focus, has taken to tweeting daily about the “heartless” cuts to USAID, suggesting she might have to resort to crowdfunding her next trip abroad. “No more free flights to exotic locations to check on aid distribution,” she lamented on X.

Senator Brian Schatz (D-HI) – Schatz has been heard muttering about the “end of an era” as he browses through real estate listings for a more modest abode. His dream of turning Kauai into the “Aid Capital of the World” is now on hold, much to the relief of local taxpayers.

Representative Don Beyer (D-VA) – Beyer, who’s been vocal about the importance of foreign aid, has reportedly started a side hustle selling “I Survived the USAID Cutoff” t-shirts. Insiders say he’s considering opening a lemonade stand on the Capitol lawn.

The news of USAID’s potential closure has sparked an unusual alliance among these lawmakers, leading to the formation of the “Save Our Gravy” caucus. Their first meeting was held in a local coffee shop where, due to budget cuts, they had to settle for tap water instead of their usual gourmet lattes.

In an attempt to salvage their situation, these politicians have been pitching all sorts of new ideas:

  • Senator Van Hollen proposed a “Sponsor a Senator” program where citizens can fund their favorite lawmakers’ international trips for a tax deduction.
  • Rep. Raskin suggested a reality TV show titled “Congress Goes Broke,” where legislators compete in budget-saving challenges.
  • Congresswoman Omar floated the idea of selling “Authentic Capitol Hill Dirt” from the gardens, claiming it helps with “global empathy.”
  • Senator Schatz humorously suggested renaming the Senate “The Senate of Sobriety,” where members would have to fund their own lunches.
  • Rep. Beyer proposed a “Congressional Bake Sale,” with the caveat that all baking must be done by the lawmakers themselves to cut costs.

The scramble to find new funding sources has led to some creative, if not desperate, measures. But in this time of crisis, one thing is clear: the era of free-flowing USAID funds for pet projects might be over, but the spirit of innovation in Washington D.C. is just getting warmed up.

As for the future of these aid-dependent politicians, only time will tell if they can adapt to life without their beloved gravy train, or if they’ll find another golden goose to fund their international goodwill missions. Stay tuned for more updates from Capitol Hill’s kitchen, where the coffee’s black, the humor’s dry, and the budget’s tighter than a drum.