California Shoplifters Get a Legal Shock: “Bitch, New Laws” Turns Shopping Spree into Felony Fiasco

In a scene straight out of a comedic caper, three women in California had their day of retail “therapy” at Ulta Beauty and Kohl’s cut short by the long arm of the law – or should we say, the new laws. The Seal Beach Police Department, in a move that could only be described as trying to go viral, shared a video where these unsuspecting shoplifters learn that their little shopping spree could now land them in big trouble. The footage, which has more drama than an episode of “Cops,” shows the trio casually strolling into Ulta, grabbing nearly $650 worth of makeup and beauty products like they’re at a sample sale. Then, they hit Kohl’s, adding another $1,000 to their haul. But oh, how the tables turn when the police arrive! The chase is on, and it’s all caught on bodycam – essentially the modern-day equivalent of a slapstick chase scene. Once cuffed and in the back of the patrol car, one of the women expresses her shock in the most eloquent way possible, “It’s a felony?” To which her friend, clearly the law expert of the group, responds with the quote of the year, “Bitch, new laws. Stealing is a felony, and this Orange County bitch. They don’t play.” The women, later identified as Destiny Bender, Deanna Hines, and Michelle Pitts, were booked into Orange County Jail, facing charges that sound like they’re from a crime thriller: Grand Theft, Conspiracy to Commit a Crime, and Resisting Arrest. The police, perhaps in an attempt to educate the masses, captioned their video with a note about Proposition 36, which apparently decided to crank up the heat on retail theft. “It undoes some of the changes voters made with a 2014 ballot measure,” they wrote, essentially saying, “Surprise! Your shopping spree now comes with a side of jail time.” This proposition, humorously dubbed the “Homelessness, Drug Addiction and Theft Reduction Act,” was a direct comeback to the softer policies of Proposition 47, which had previously turned a blind eye to theft under $950 unless you were already a hardened criminal. The irony? This new law reversed the work of George Gascón, the former LA DA backed by billionaire George Soros, who lost his seat over such policies. And Governor Gavin Newsom? He was all, “This is taking us back to the 80s,” because apparently, he’s not a fan of this “mass incarceration” vibe. So, here’s the moral of the story, folks: If you’re planning on a heist in Seal Beach, remember – they’ve got new laws, and they’re not playing around. “Don’t steal in Seal,” indeed.