BREAKING: Federal Judge in Ukraine Blocks Trump’s Efforts To Broker Peace Deal Between Pelosi and Biden

KIEV, Ukraine – In a plot twist so bizarre it could only be written by the most hungover screenwriter in Hollywood, a Ukrainian federal judge has thrown a wrench into what was supposed to be the peace deal of the century.

The deal, brokered by none other than former U.S. President Donald Trump, aimed to end the long-standing feud between former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and current President Joe Biden. The feud, sources claim, stems from a bitter dispute over who gets to keep the “golden parachute” of Ukrainian aid money, affectionately dubbed “The Zelensky Fund.”

According to the satirical news network, “The Onion’s Little Brother,” Trump, in his golden bathrobe and signature MAGA slippers, had planned to mediate this sit-down with the aid of his new “Art of the Peace Deal” app, which apparently only works if you pay $19.99 in Bitcoin.

However, the plan hit an icy Ukrainian roadblock when Judge Igor “The Iron Gavel” Popov ruled that the peace negotiations could not proceed on Ukrainian soil, citing “too much American drama could disrupt our soap operas.” Judge Popov, known for his love of daytime dramas, argued that the real drama should stay in Washington, not Kiev.

Rumors have been swirling faster than a Ukrainian winter storm that President Biden managed to squirrel away all the aid money designated for Ukraine into his personal “Corn Pop Retirement Fund.” Meanwhile, Pelosi, in a fit of rage, was seen wielding her gavel like a Viking battle-axe, demanding her cut – or at least a commemorative plaque.

Adding to the comedy of errors, Hunter Biden and his uncle James were reportedly seen sailing off into the sunset on their new yacht, “The Money Launderer,” which they allegedly purchased with their own shares of the mysterious funds.

In a surprising twist, Trump, after his failed peace summit, announced he would pivot to selling “Peace Deal Peanuts” – a new snack promising to “bring people together, one salted nut at a time.”

When reached for comment, a spokesperson for Pelosi simply stated, “She’s not mad, she’s just disappointed… and planning her next strategic move with a bottle of fine Ukrainian vodka.” Meanwhile, Biden, caught napping during a press briefing, mumbled something about “peace, love, and a big ol’ check.”

As for the Ukrainian populace, they’ve reportedly started a betting pool on whether this American soap opera will get its own reality TV show, tentatively titled “Sharks of the Potomac.”

Stay tuned for more updates, or don’t, because who really cares about Joe or Nancy